Yeah, we all know what that is. Right?
Yup. Got a case of it right about…ALWAYS!!!! I’ve got two kids, and they are constant reminders of what I was doing for them to be here…
I was having sex.
Not very satisfying sex, but I was still feeling the tingles and stirrings of healthy, productive, doing-what-they’re-supposed-to-do body parts. When I think back to the conception of these two, I chuckle every time because the recollection involves me liken to a feline in heat and the attacking of their sperm donor. Those experiences will always support my belief that it is imperative for us to be in this life together as a family because, before those two, my sex life was practically nonexistent.
“Dear Readers: I was shy. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it”.
I don’t date. I choose not to because I’m not a fan of all the footwork which goes into that. I’m so lazy when it comes to searching for the most contextual Mr for me and my life. “Searching” is what keeps me indoors. I’m not inspired to go out, put myself on display at some function or someplace where singles mingle, for the sole purpose of catching some dude’s eye.
Aforementioned “dude” can observe all this deliciousness when I happen to be out doing stuff which adds a bit more to my life, like running errands for my family or enjoying a walk. I’ve tried online dating, didn’t like it. Why? Because I was doing the whole companion hunting thing for all the wrong reasons.
Once I swallowed that bitter truth, I stopped.
After taking a nose dive down the rabbit hole and spending some time in self-evaluation, I, like Alice, took a bite of the big girl biscuit and transported myself out of Wonderland. I then took a trip to Emerald City where I discovered myself as The Wizard and gifted myself a few things.
Love, appreciation, and worthiness of Self. Well! I became this whole new bitch, and I started to feel another something which blew my mind. Self-lust (is there an M.D. or a Ph.D. word for that?). Yes, I am seriously attracted to myself. No, not crazy talk or narcissism. I am a beauteous, sensuous, intelligent, kick-ass goddess who is becoming stronger in her self-awareness every moment, and I’ve got to say, that’s some sexy shit!
Which, brings me to my point. Through all this growth, I’ve learned about what truly turns me on. It’s not, at the root, from what I can see, hear, taste, or touch. It’s about vibrations and stimulation of my cerebral, none of which I associated with my sexual experience before.
My sexual frustration is not due to the lack of physical intercourse, more so the lack of intellectual intercourse.
My body receives CPR from my brain. No news flash here for some, I know. I am well aware of the many communications out there which inform that your biggest sex organ is your brain. For me, I just never linked the two to work for my arousal to get things started. My experience has been my brain at fault for me losing arousal; I talked a lot in my head when I was supposed to be fucking. Serious mood killer.
“Dear Reader: This is denial speaking. If anyone asks, I was a shy girl who lacked sexual experience and felt incompetent. If they don’t buy that, tell them the guy was horrible and didn’t know what he was doing.”
So, since I’ve come to be acquainted with my authentic self, I have embraced that I am aroused by intellectually stimulating conversations. Not that type of intellectual which regurgitates info like Siri, I mean the intellectual who has substance and openness behind their smarts. Those who acquire information for the sake of just knowing shit and who create fun in the processing and expansion of their knowledge through conversation. That’s the kind of Mr who I wet my drawers for.
Tell me what you know, let us talk about it and discover how our two perspectives can alchemize a new one. I have an affinity for learning new things, and I love to listen to someone talk about what they know. I like it. I find it to be very titillating. That is how I desire an attraction between The Mr and me.
But, alas I haven’t had much of that as of late.
I do have stimulating adult conversations with family and friends, but what I am referring to, is getting my flirt on through my brain cells. Talking with a Mr who has thought-provoking things to say, who will cause me to pause and check myself every so often, a Mr who will have me looking shit up after we’ve done talking.
I have a very speculative mind. I don’t pursue every inquisitive thought because there are so many; I don’t favor my brain exploding. So I desire the interactions of two who are excited to share their curiosities with one another.
As my pal, Kermit once sang, “Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers, and me.”
Yeah, I guess I’ll stay on high alert, code blue until The Mr comes along sporting a defibrillator.