Category: Life Commentaries

Lessons And Awakenings Of Life

DIVORCE

This last sheet of paper in my hand holds the weight of its purpose. All the others before it which served to make the specifics known and the path unambiguous are now pointing to this one.

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Image Credit: Dreamstime.com

This space in front of me has authored my emancipation. Freely it has given of itself to pardon my condemned sentencing of a loveless life and a shackled spirit. This paper lays bare all my desires, components of who I want to be.

Effortlessly the journey is mapped out, stretched across the borders of this space yet, boundless with possibilities.

I move forward, signing in agreement, pledging co-creation and, daring to be authentically, unapologetically, me.

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“Possibilities Meditation” art by Sue Halstenberg

 

via Daily Prompt: Paper

DEAR READER: BLUE BALLS, ANYONE?

Yeah, we all know what that is. Right?Blue Balls

Yup. Got a case of it right about…ALWAYS!!!! I’ve got two kids, and they are constant reminders of what I was doing for them to be here…

I was having sex.

Not very satisfying sex, but I was still feeling the tingles and stirrings of healthy, productive, doing-what-they’re-supposed-to-do body parts. When I think back to the conception of these two, I chuckle every time because the recollection involves me liken to a feline in heat and the attacking of their sperm donor. Those experiences will always support my belief that it is imperative for us to be in this life together as a family because, before those two, my sex life was practically nonexistent.

“Dear Readers: I was shy. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it”.

I don’t date. I choose not to because I’m not a fan of all the footwork which goes into that. I’m so lazy when it comes to searching for the most contextual Mr for me and my life. “Searching” is what keeps me indoors. I’m not inspired to go out, put myself on display at some function or someplace where singles mingle, for the sole purpose of catching some dude’s eye.
Aforementioned “dude” can observe all this deliciousness when I happen to be out doing stuff which adds a bit more to my life, like running errands for my family or enjoying a walk. I’ve tried online dating, didn’t like it. Why? Because I was doing the whole companion hunting thing for all the wrong reasons.

Once I swallowed that bitter truth, I stopped.

After taking a nose dive down the rabbit hole and spending some time in self-evaluation, I, like Alice, took a bite of the big girl biscuit and transported myself out of Wonderland. I then took a trip to Emerald City where I discovered myself as The Wizard and gifted myself a few things.

Love, appreciation, and worthiness of Self. Well! I became this whole new bitch, and I started to feel another something which blew my mind. Self-lust (is there an M.D. or a Ph.D. word for that?). Yes, I am seriously attracted to myself. No, not crazy talk or narcissism. I am a beauteous, sensuous, intelligent, kick-ass goddess who is becoming stronger in her self-awareness every moment, and I’ve got to say, that’s some sexy shit!

Which, brings me to my point. Through all this growth, I’ve learned about what truly turns me on. It’s not, at the root, from what I can see, hear, taste, or touch. It’s about vibrations and stimulation of my cerebral, none of which I associated with my sexual experience before.

My sexual frustration is not due to the lack of physical intercourse, more so the lack of intellectual intercourse.

My body receives CPR from my brain. No news flash here for some, I know. I am well aware of the many communications out there which inform that your biggest sex organ is your brain. For me, I just never linked the two to work for my arousal to get things started. My experience has been my brain at fault for me losing arousal; I talked a lot in my head when I was supposed to be fucking. Serious mood killer.

“Dear Reader: This is denial speaking. If anyone asks, I was a shy girl who lacked sexual experience and felt incompetent. If they don’t buy that, tell them the guy was horrible and didn’t know what he was doing.”

So, since I’ve come to be acquainted with my authentic self, I have embraced that I am aroused by intellectually stimulating conversations. Not that type of intellectual which regurgitates info like Siri, I mean the intellectual who has substance and openness behind their smarts. Those who acquire information for the sake of just knowing shit and who create fun in the processing and expansion of their knowledge through conversation. That’s the kind of Mr who I wet my drawers for.

Tell me what you know, let us talk about it and discover how our two perspectives can alchemize a new one. I have an affinity for learning new things, and I love to listen to someone talk about what they know. I like it. I find it to be very titillating. That is how I desire an attraction between The Mr and me.

But, alas I haven’t had much of that as of late.

I do have stimulating adult conversations with family and friends, but what I am referring to, is getting my flirt on through my brain cells. Talking with a Mr who has thought-provoking things to say, who will cause me to pause and check myself every so often, a Mr who will have me looking shit up after we’ve done talking.

I have a very speculative mind. I don’t pursue every inquisitive thought because there are so many; I don’t favor my brain exploding. So I desire the interactions of two who are excited to share their curiosities with one another.

As my pal, Kermit once sang, “Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers, and me.”

Yeah, I guess I’ll stay on high alert, code blue until The Mr comes along sporting a defibrillator.

 

DEAR READER: WHEN MINIMALISM IS DOING TOO MUCH

Today, my desire to do nothing has it’s own desire to do nothing. I have surrendered to flowing into this moment and allowing the nothingness to have its place. Now all would be copasetic if my mind would be less resistant; she’s the type to bring a plug-in hairdryer camping. The following is her in action.

So, today we do nothing. Nothing. Do nothing how? Do nothing of what we normally do and replace it with something different, or are we to not participate in any activity, old or new? Does this qualify to thoughts only, or just deeds? Where are we to do nothing, which room are we to place ourselves? Technically, you know, it is not really possible to do nothing. That would mean our body would have to stop all function, and I don’t believe we’re ready for that. 

Oh. My. Fucking. God!!!

This shit!

I mean, I love me, I really do, and this type of accounting comes in handy and is fully appreciated when the experience is in great need for it. But, this rhetoric is way too extra for something which is quite simple. This is why I keep reminding myself as well as others, that growth is constant and multi-dimensional, composed of various depths and degrees. When you choose personal growth, know that no part of the whole which is you is fixed. Those pieces will always require adjustment; nothing is truly locked in like a jigsaw.

So I respond, as a parent would to an insolent child (I am and have – I am well practiced) by making a decision instead of engaging and indulging such complexity. I sat my ass down in my living room and chose one of my ‘get focus to get lifted’ tools: chill’n with Netflix (or was it Amazon?). I enjoy watching movies full of more stuff than what’s in my head. I usually choose horror films, they amuse me and stop the chatter.

I love my “Ooh, squirrel!” moments. This wasn’t always so; there was a time when a distraction from my thoughts before I felt resolution, brought a significant amount irritation. I didn’t know how else to be, peace of mind was the constant chatter, not silence.

Glad I made the switch. Sometimes, that bitch (my mind) needs to shut the fuck up (said with love, of course 💓).

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Close by Christophe Louis Quibe

 

DEAR READER: PIMP’N AIN’T EASY

Life is good.

I want more, though (I’m working on it…)

Have you ever felt stagnant because your current now is filled with appreciations and very few complaints? This is where I am. I’ve been trying to have conversations with my inner being to find out “what now,” or as the title of my blog says, “Now What?”, and…

I come up with nada.

How is that possible when everything is gravy and a desire for more sounds quite enticing? Do I want more? Hells, yeah!! I want plenty more. So, why is it I am unable to work this imagination like a high-class hoe? I’ve offered her continuous work, but she doesn’t want to work for me.

Go figure.

I feel as though my body has been operating under the constitution of my brain with little to no amendments from the heart, from my spirit. Practicality keeps doing The James Brown on my desires; “Say it loud, I’m practical and proud”!

Oh, brother (cue eye-roll).

Not sure when salvation will kick in.  Until then, I wait.  Patience seems to be a happy hooker for me – I’ll have to give her a raise.

😉