DEAR READER: PILL

I know that the subject of mental health/well-being is one most people would rather not highlight, but in light of what has been happening lately, I felt it important to address.

Another famous person chose to end his life yesterday. While I do not have any fears associated with death, when I become aware that someone has left this world via suicide, it hurts. It hurts because suicide is, and this is the best way I can put words to this, such a my-back-is-against-the-wall-with-no-way-out type of mental anguish. A person who chooses suicide is unable to swim against the strong current of thought which has them exhausted with no more will or stamina to fight; this is what saddens me.

The pain and sense of great hopelessness make it extremely difficult to find air, to see light, to feel relief. When the numbing of drugs, no matter legally prescribed or not, lose their salve, the thoughts become liken to bacteria in a hot petri dish, multiplying rapidly.

[Side note: I’m listening to a random playlist from Amazon Music, and as I write this, Prince’s Purple Rain is in the background. My emotions are high, and I have to pause right now. Excuse me.]

Ok, I’m back; back to center.

I had to take a moment to feel. I have learned it is beneficial to embrace and acknowledge such feelings, not to suppress them.
Suppression is, I believe, what leads to the sense of hopelessness and lack of choice. There is always an inception point for these lower vibrational thoughts. It is usually at that time when the work needed for balance is overlooked or resisted.

After a certain age, for some, conditioning begins towards the non-acceptance of unhappy feelings. I believe, as soon as a child approaches puberty, usually the attitude towards the roller-coaster ride of emotions known as the teenage years, are met with sighs of exasperation. Those of us (this is not a generalization) who have survived, not lived but survived, through this evolution into the next, don’t feel to nurture these tender years as it causes much of their carefully planted sadness to resurface.

I too have gone through such turmoil and devastation of the mind. Several times I have attempted to release myself from this physical body. I am still here because my inner voice was way louder and had more endurance than the thoughts from my limited point of view at that time. My struggles came from always feeling an aching desire to have an awareness of self, to nurture what is inside of me.

I grew up in a household where my mother made it her business to tell me repeatedly that children are to be seen and not heard. She also supported that with not wanting to hear about my thoughts of sadness, confusion, or frustration from not being free to explore all I was receiving from within.

I ached for self-assurance.

My mother carried around young adulthood and childhood issues which were always at the surface in need of purging. But she only knew to cover them up in her cloak of fear based anger and co-dependency. She would dismiss me into submission of will to have me take on the role of confidant and counselor, nothing resembling her being the parent and I the child. I became her emotional support and caregiver until she died.

After her death, that is when I was jolted awake to the presence of myself. I was in a state of panic at not being able to articulate who I was or wanted to be. I crippled myself to point of resisting going on job interviews and answering questions about myself. I didn’t have the glue of being, whatever was needed, for everyone else (it wasn’t just my mom, it was my sister and friends as well) holding me together, so I fell apart.

Hard.

I knew what I needed to do for me, what it was to put me back together again but had no sight for it. I felt it strongly; it pulled at me. But I couldn’t see where to begin, what tools to use, nothing; I was groping around in the dark frustrated and mad as hell.

Through years of self-help, and the birth of two children, the path became clear and streamlined; I trusted the feeling more and the conditioning less.

For the sake of not going on and on with my story, I will return to why I started this post.
The Daily Prompt word ‘lollipop’ sparked all of this verbiage. I didn’t want to go the obvious route of talking about candy and phallic symbolism( I was so close to choosing the later. Heh-heh). Once I put that away, the word ‘pill’ popped out from ‘lollipop.’ I immediately thought of Pink!’s Just Like A Pill song.

I came here to blog my interpretation of that song and saw the news about the music artist who passed the night before. For me, that was a sign to write this post. Music and mental wellness brought both experiences together.

I will make this as brief as I can. As I am tired of writing, I am sure you are just as tired of reading, if you’ve gotten this far.

Just Like A Pill, on the surface, seems to be about a romantic relationship being the catalyst for her despair and indulgence in escapism. I agree with the inferred subject being a relationship, but I have always felt the relationship to be between a person’s inner and outer being. In reading the lyrics, I feel this song tells a story of the higher self, the part of us who comforts and keeps us hopeful, trying to break free from the hurt, pain, and confusion its other part is living.

Being away from the feeling of love which resides in us all, I believe, hurts and produces the mental darkness many experience. This song, I feel, is a representation of that. Even if it is about a relationship between two people, the need is the same. We all desire to experience love, for ourselves and from others. When that desire goes unfulfilled, for some, it can be traumatic.

What I have learned for myself is that self-love is the essence of what we are and what we are here to experience. This life is about you through how you feel about yourself  and how that dictates the way you relate to others.

That’s it. I’m not going to talk any more.

I know this is not following writer’s etiquette, but I don’t care. I’ll let the lyrics piece together the rest of the message.

In no way am I making light of suicide or any of the conditions which make it an option.I sincerely empathize because of my shared experience of struggle with thoughts that send you down a dark spiral.Also, I do not pass judgment. I make it a practice to be accepting of other people’s choices. No one but that person knows what he/she desires to experience in this life.

If you have made it to this end, I thank you for taking the time to stay with it.

[Pink]
[Verse 1]
I’m lying here on the floor where you left me
I think I took too much
I’m crying here, what have you done
I thought it would be fun
I can’t stay on your life support
There’s a Shortage in the switch
I can’t stay on your morphine
Cause it’s making me itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again
But shes being a little bitch
I think I’ll get outta here, where I can

[Chorus]
Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you’re just like a pill
Instead of making me better
You keep making me ill
You keep making me ill

[Verse 2]
I haven’t moved from the spot where you left me
This must be a bad trip
All of the other pills
They were different
Maybe I should get some help
I can’t stay on your life support
There’s a shortage in the switch
I can’t stay on your morphine
Cause it’s making me itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again
But she’s being a little bitch
I think I’ll get outta here, where I can

[Chorus]

Lyrics to Just Like A Pill copied from Genius.com

[Here is a link to Linkin Park’s lyrics reflecting the lead singer’s internal struggle]

Inspired by The Daily Prompt Word: Lollipop

 

Advertisements

33 thoughts on “DEAR READER: PILL

  1. I always feel so vapid with my blog posts when i read something deeply written and I respond with bubble gum rock and making popping sounds.

    Actually, I had a very challenging (sometimes dark) early childhood and if I let my thoughts linger too much – well, I just don’t go there. Perhaps it’s a defense mechanism? Some things aren’t 100 clear anymore. Other’s randomly pop in my head when I’m doing something like bending down to pick up a trash bag. A little scene will play out of the blue, like an old movie reel.

    I just choose not to blog about it. I might have written one post (or two) over time. And still consider, but then I just don’t.

    Like

      1. The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. (I’m speaking Hemingway)

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Don’t know.. God when he kicked Adam out from the Garden for eating a fruit(that God had made) and than indulging into an activity(that could have been avoided if God had not given Adam the organ)

        Like

  2. This is your best one yet ❤ I love all your other works, but this one is the most profound and amazing. Actually all your letters are, but this one left me so perplexed that I read it again to fully understand the philosophy behind those words. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh God, I’ve just read your whole article “PILL” and having just awoken out of my “Pill”(lyrica) induced slumber, I gradually became aware and understanding of all of what you were saying, you digressed and confused me, I’m still slightly drug affected, however I soaked up most of the long read, and felt emotional all the way through the article. As is my way, I’m an emotional guy, and have learnt to just to let it all out, tears and all. Thanks for the Pink Lyrics, a very touching song, and agree with you about music being good for mental wellness, lots of Leonard Cohen, pleases me and has become calming medicine. Thankyou for your detailed article and I hardly ever read long stories on my little phone, the whole story grab me…..

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Only confusing because I am in a confused state when I wake. … and really not mentally ready for such an in depth article. . …. and now back to listening to the sublime Leonard Cohen. …

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I love that simile, ‘thoughts become liken to bacteria in a hot Petri dish’. My uncle committed suicide and my cousin, it is so tragic for any family to have to go through that. I heard that it can be a hereditary trait, but lucky for me I have never had one day of depression in my entire life.

    Liked by 1 person

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s