In today’s reflection, I think about this present moment, where I am now, how much I’ve grown. There are some thoughts and beliefs which still tether me to who I used to be. I cringe at their attention seeking behavior. I feel myself in a most peaceful space, but there are moments when a metaphorical dry fuck happens, and the intrusion is hard for me to stomach. As offensive as this experience is, I remind myself that these ‘visitors’ once were permanent residents. Self-doubt, Confusion, Undeserving, Fear, Lack, Blame and some others which I am unable to recall anymore, were most welcomed because logic was skilled at convincing me of their validity.
These old familiars have come knocking recently, and I admit to opening the door, giving permission for them to state their case. Although logic will always be part of my humanity, it has been like a protruding mole on my face which cannot be unseen, hidden or removed. I would be worse off in the removal than the keeping of it.
Logic keeps each case active and viable. I used to embrace and nurture these thoughts and beliefs because it gave me a purpose to do so. I used my logic to justify the presence of such a mindscape. It all makes sense, right?, I would say every time each one sat with me like a Jehovah’s Witness, convincing me of their god. What was apparent to me through my mind, without an ounce of doubt, was the condition of my reality. According to the false wisdom of my then mantra, as long as there is clarity, then it has a right to exist.
I’ve since learned that clarity of such unpleasant feelings does not equal squatters rights. I didn’t feel to be myself when I supported and nurtured them then, and I still don’t now. To even spend a few seconds of keeping them close to me makes me feel to want to crawl out of my skin. Thankfully, the difference now is I know myself to be the landlord and not a tenant. I can change things to be as I want them to be. Those unpleasant squatters can be kicked out and replaced with more uplifting and profitable tenants.
And yet, I still entertain the knock and listen to the rhetoric.
Why? Well, I believe it to be that although they have been replaced, they are still part of my experience; they will walk with me for eternity, to be accepted and disregarded for a variety of experiences, tools used for growth and understanding of self.
So, dear readers, I treat these unwanted visitors as holiday family gatherings and reunions, I try to grin and bear it. I put my love shield on and brace for impact. I know what to expect because these thoughts and feelings are not of me, they are for me; they are not here for their own growth, they are here as tools for mine.