Ok, folks. I am highly frustrated with this blog theme stuff.
As you have noticed, I have made changes yet again. That’s the reason why I haven’t posted.
I’m busting my brain trying to perfect the aesthetics to make everything easy for you wonderful readers. I feel that to be just as important as the written content.
My present frustration is with having my Gravitar profile on the bottom of every post. I keep trying to get rid of it and find I am unable to.
During this whole process, I have learned something about myself. I’m a top notch bullshitter when it comes to creating beliefs for myself.
I’m getting better.
I’m lying to myself by holding on to the belief that my main concern is you all, but truth be told, it’s about me not being liked by others, being prejudged by others based on how I represent myself. This blog and how it looks, how easy to read versus not, how easy it is to navigate or not, is a huge reflection of who I am.
So I believe.
As creators, we put all of who we are, our entire perspective of the world, into what we create. That for me leaves me feeling quite naked, cold, and in a panic.
Yeah, like this woman here: BLINDSPOT — “Pilot” — Pictured: Jaimie Alexander as Jane Doe — (Photo by: Virginia Sherwood/NBC)
This is not a new lesson for me. I have struggled with self acceptance and who-gives-a-fuck-itude for some time now.
I try to have both going at the same time, but there are moments where my Libra scales are so out of balance. Being out of balance for me, is not having confidence and forgetting who I am outside of all the stupid insecurities. Being out of balance is when I place the value of others at a higher esteem.
Do I like me as a person? Would I be my own friend?
The answer is yes. So why give a fuck?
Because we have been taught that if enough others show favor to you, or esteem you more than another, you are a success, you are worthy of more of what you’ve been receiving.
How fucked up is that? What a way to encourage self-awareness. Yes, you are worthy of this award and that reward because x-amount of others are showing how much they find you to be more accepting than those who are performing the same task as you.
I’m not complaining.
I’m expressing my frustration at how much I am unable to embrace contrast. The contrast of our relatedness and varied expressions as human beings. We relate to one another because we are of the same and how we express our perceptions of this life is where the difference lies. We care about others because we are connected. It goes with the territory. And so because our existence is linked to each other, this care, this love, should start with self, but we are not taught that.
So here I am unlearning a belief which keeps me from being me.The skill of balancing self love and love for others I have yet to master.
So, here is my disclaimer: this blog is subject to structural changes at anytime.
If you are accepting of this, then continue to the next post. If you are not accepting of this and get easily irritated by my process, then that would be an easy fix for you.